Lost Baggage

We lost my mom this summer.  No, no, no.  Not lost like THAT, don’t be silly.  Lost like….misplaced.  But if you are ever going to misplace your sometimes obstinate mother, I highly recommend you do it in the care of Delta Airlines.  They were zero help in finding her – but were as nice as they could be with hysterical relatives.

Let me start at the beginning.  My sister – St. Nic – accompanies my mom to Ireland each summer.  100% of their itinerary is geared around the shortest possible flights between airport smoking lounges.  This year, St. Nic got brave and planned to connect with my mom in the Atlanta Hartsfeld airport [a/k/a the largest airport in the world – what could go wrong?].  But not to worry – Nic was scheduled to arrive before mom’s flight and leave after her departure  – ensuring my mother a personal valet throughout her time at Atlanta Hartsfeld.  Easy peasy.

Who could EVER have predicted flight delays in Atlanta??? 

On the return trip – my sister’s connection out of Atlanta was RIGHT ON TIME!  Mom’s flight?  Delayed three hours.  Before it was canceled.  And the next one delayed another 2 hours.  [And it was like JULY – delayed on account of humidity??]

So here was my mom wandering around the Atlanta airport for 7 hours waiting to see if she was going to get on the last flight outta there.  [Spoiler alert:  she didn’t.]  Which would have been bad enough if her cell phone hadn’t gone dead around hour 2 of her Moses-in-the-desert reenactment. 

Which is when I called Delta Airlines.  Truth be told, the initial discussion with Delta didn’t go that well.  “Well, you can page her if you want, but she hasn’t worn her hearing aids since 2009 so I doubt she answers the page.  I need you to call a real live gate agent who can answer the phone they’re always pretending to be on when I need customer service.   My mom will be the little bitty thing cursing at a dead cell phone while going through nicotine withdrawal [or maybe the one smoking].” 

Apparently, the overhead page is the extent of Delta’s lost-relative protocol – at least until the hysterical daughter drops some pithy threat on them….“Listen Little Ms. Customer Service, you do NOT want to be the last person who “helps me” if something happens to my mother.”  [I don’t even know what this means – but I felt better.]  I got a supervisor after THAT, I can assure you.  In fact, I think I got the Delta hostage negotiator [who could NOT have been nicer during her 5 hours on the phone with me.  We’re Facebook friends now.] 

I don’t know what the airport equivalent of an APB is, but I think my mother had three police departments looking for her.  Which required a detailed description.  “Hey Nic – what is mom wearing?”  Answer:  blue terrycloth sweatsuit, white t-shirt, red handbag, black Clarks and blue socks.   Wow. I couldn’t even tell them how tall she is.  [ONE of us obviously saw this coming.]

After the last flight of the evening was canceled my personal Delta rep came back on the line.  “Okay, your mother has picked up her hotel voucher – everything is going to be okay.  She’s on her way to a good night’s sleep.”  Oh no, little missy, I’ve seen this move in a John LeCarre novel.  You can look for her at the EconoLodge if you want – but I can guarantee she is still mobile in Atlanta Hartsfeld airport.  This is a woman who doesn’t pump her own gas!  I doubt she is going to execute the travel trifecta of security lines, shuttle buses (!) and hotel check-ins. 

And then….finally….around midnight….with her last bit of cell phone juice, my mother called my brother [she conveniently found that last smidge of cell phone juice after six hours of my sister and I trying to call her.]  With the 60 seconds of cell phone life….she simply informed my brother “I found a smoking lounge and am spending the night right here.” 

But of course. 

Turns out she was fine the whole time [Nic & I were more hysterical than she was]. She was a little sore from sleeping upright in the smoking lounge all night [while I would have thought the smoke cloud would have been a virtual body pillow] but otherwise just fine. 

However…Nic IS planning to DRIVE to Atlanta for next year’s trip to Ireland.

The Blog is Back?

Some of you may have noticed that I am blogging again after months and months of hiatus [i.e., since 2008] and you may be wondering why.  So here are some of the reasons I had to start blogging again:

• We almost had a President Romney
• While I wasn’t blogging, my girlfriend opened a wine bar, I got braces, and my siblings moved my mother.  I am NOT going to miss that kind of material again!
• You read the post on my sister hitting my car.  It’s either blog….or cry.
• Without a blog, I am just an accountant.  But now I am an accountant with a blog – MUCH cooler. 
• My mother is bound to be in an airport again soon.
• I think Blondie is finally finished being angry about that post from last July.

Now about those braces...

Gentle Rental

They say most accidents occur within 5 miles of home.  I respectfully request "they" revisit this statistic to ensure there isn’t a greater correlation with distance from a rental car counter.  My first 30 minutes of driving from any rental car location looks a lot like a driver’s ed flashback.  Never a great driver on a good day….rental cars seem to present an unseemly challenge to my Good Driver Discount [an unfamiliar car + unfamiliar roads + unacceptable radio station = utter disregard for double yellow lines]. 

That first several miles of driving generally involves me trying to refold a rental car map in a seat uncomfortably close to the windshield while looking for wherever the crap they put the trip odometer button.  I realize the responsible thing would be a full-blown rental-car review in the Avis parking lot.  But I’ll be honest….I spend 20% of my waking hours engaged in a giant work-schlep.   I don’t intend to delay my arrival at the Hampton Inn [du jour] by 1 extra minute for “new-car orientation”.

Instead, let’s just agree the following items should be in the same place on all cars [after all, I’m usually driving a Ford Focus for chrissakes…..how many style points can you get for ingenious placement of gadgetry when it’s a Ford Focus??].  Therefore, let’s come up with a dewey decimel system of car organization for the following items:

• Side view mirror adjustor
• Rear window defroster
• Windshield wiper controls (and turning them on should always be “up”)

Notice anything in common with these important features…..yes…..they all affect VISIBILITY.  Those items that directly affect my view of traffic behind, beside and beneath me should NOT require a search party to locate. 

And while we’re at it….why must Every.  Single.  Car-Rental.  Radio be tuned to a rap station?  Do you know how hard it is to find a good country music station when you’re peering under the steering wheel for a side window adjuster?   [I do.]

I sure hope pilots don’t feel the same way when they climb into each new plane.

What's in YOUR wallet?

I recently became the proud owner of the Starbucks Gold Card – free with the purchase of way too many exorbitantly priced coffees.  And here’s the really nifty part of Gold Card status – the starbuckies gold card automatically “reloads” from your credit card whenever it falls below a set dollar amount.  [otherwise known as every 3 days for me.]  

Now that I’m using this card for all my SB purchases, the Mother Ship has complete visibility to about 30% of my discretionary spend.  They know what time I drink my coffee [hourly], what city I am in [Nasvhille?  Baltimore?  Philly? ....no wonder this bitch needs coffee] and which food phase I’m going through [how many meals in a row can I eat oatmeal at?]  If I ever go missing, I think Starbucks would be the first to notify authorities.  “She hasn’t had a latte in a day and a half, please send help right away.”

I have to admit, however, given the treasure trove of data I’m supplying SB on my caffeinated consumerism, the Gold Card perks are kind of skimpy.  After 15 purchases, I get a free drink.  A  free drink?!  I mean….that’s nice and all…. but I’d be getting the drink anyway.  I want something EXTRA for my super-special, gold-card self.  If this were airline status – I’d have my own line at Starbucks and I’d be offered a free cocktail when I sat down.  I would especially like to jump ahead of that woman who ordered the extra-hot grande nonfat 4 pump upside down carmel macchiato.  I guess the nonfat and carmel cancel each other out??  [I’ve been informed it’s no different than my order of Diet Coke with my fries.]

You used to get a free pump of syrup with every drink [again…..meh].  But SB discontinued that perk.  I guess the cost of a teaspoon size squirt of sugar [that must be subject to the biggest volume discount in the history of the world] got to be too pricey for Daddy Starbucks. 

I have to say, though...the linkage to the credit card is a little more visible than those cash transactions.  I think I liked it better when I couldn’t see how much I was spending at Starbuckies.