What's Cooking

Mom’s visit to San Diego was certainly eventful…because it involved the first ever non-pizza dinner I have ever cooked. [38 years old and those merit badges just keep on coming.]

In light of my success…I thought I would put together a comprehensive how-to program for the similarly untrained who want to attempt this daunting task. So in 12 easy steps, here is my dinner-for-dummies. [Wait just a minute, here…a 12 step program…]

Step 1....Pop in “unexpectedly” to a friend’s house at dinnertime and take copious notes about what she throws together on short notice. [One man’s “college food” is another woman’s most-extensive-meal-ever-made.]

Step 2....Reject any courses involving more than 3 1 ingredient.

Step 3....Take the stolen wrapper from the prototype dinner in order to purchase the…wait a second, here….Trader Joe’s Boneless Beef Tri-Top Roast

Step 4....On appointed evening, set up ambient lighting [i.e., space heater] in mom’s Terrace Bistro & Hookah Lounge

Step 5....Make menu exactly as designed [Except the roasted potatoes became Ore Ida crinkle fries and the spicy green beans became expendable.]

Step 6...Turn on grill. Try to turn on grill. [Damn…this is the part of the process my people are supposed to be good at]

Step 7...Learn how to turn Rita’s restaurant-grade stove on

Step 8...“Delegate” stove operation to Momma sous chef

Step 9...Apologize profusely for roast on the first Friday of Lent [“Of COURSE I’m going to church, mom – why do you ask?”]

Step 10...Make sure your inaugural dinner is for your mother, who is obligated by the rules of nature to say – “Well that was just perfect!”

Day 2 [that's right...Day 2]
Step 11...Refill empty propane tank before Rita gets home
Step 12...Pay Julieta extra to destroy dirty-stove evidence of baby’s first dinner

Repeat as necessary until mom begins to host herself in your house.