While in D.C., my absolute favorite tour was the Capitol building. This tour is geared toward getting the maximum number of people through “The Capitol Experience” in the shortest amount of time. Did you know that the number of people touring the Capitol each day exceeds the original population of the 13 colonies? Okay…I made that up. But my tour group (who was totally impressed with this little funfact) doesn’t have to know that.
They maximize the tour by having the world’s best microphone set-up ever. Because every tour guide is given about 2 square feet in which to give their spiel, the tour-ees [that’s us] wear these headphones that are tuned to a frequency for only our tour guide’s microphone – so we could hear our docent Patty and not the other 57 tour guides in the rotunda. The applications for this are ENDLESS. I see Anne Louise standing in front of a whole class of headphone-wearing freshmen..getting in their HEADS. I am pretty sure my mom will be sporting at least the walkie-talkie version for Operation Garage Sale.
The set-up was pretty sophisticated stuff, which is why I was so surprised when the kid behind me lost his before we even got to the first stop on the tour. [Surprised it wasn’t me, that is.] Honest to god, we pull up in front of a bust of Lincoln and some sheepish father has to interrupt the tour guide – “ummmm, we seem to have lost a headset here, can he stand up front?” Old Patty wasn’t happy…"we’ve only walked through ONE room. How do you lose something on your head in less than 20 yards?” [Turns out Patty didn’t particularly like children or crowds…so as a docent in the Capitol, she was livin’ the dream.]
However, if you are going to be a walking transmitter…you need to remember that We. Can. Hear. Every. Word. You. Say. Patty kept forgetting she was mic’d as we walked from one chamber to the next. “Hey Marge – yeah, I don’t think half of em speak a word of English in my group.” “STEVE-O! Meet ya at Hawk & Dove after work for a brewskie?” I just wanted to say “We’re right here Patty, and those of us who can speak English are planning to meet you at the Hawk and Dove.”
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Washington DC
The trip to Washington D.C. turned out GREAT. First of all, everything in D.C. is supersized. The Supreme Court building is the same size as my hometown. Honestly, those people on TV must be standing in front of a papier mache model of the Capitol building – because they would look like Honey I Shrunk the Kids in front of the real one.
A few highlights from my trip:
A few highlights from my trip:
- The ticket thing didn’t turn out so badly after all. Apparently, the key to walking right into a tour in Washington D.C. is not having 35 kids in tow. ["Party of 2, no field trip? Come right in."]
- Visitors to D.C. are either 13 or 73, there is no in-between. Everyone between the ages of 20 and 30 works there (presumably controlling gazillion dollar budgets like twenty-year-olds were born to do).
- Apparently, zoning laws require ALL restaurant/bar/workplace TV’s to be tuned to CNN, MSNBC or Fox. Don’t you people know there is a game on???
- There is a monument every 20 feet in that city. You have to be vigilant for monument fatigue…"Oh, it’s just the Korean War monument.” [It probably seemed like a pretty significant war to the guys who fought in it.]
- They really do have a museum or a monument to EVERYTHING in D.C. I was fine to skip a few of the less popular ones:
- The Summer School Museum [no thanks, once was enough]
- Hall of Prohibition [sounds like a blast]
- The Blonde-American Memorial [A hyphen + the word “American” =surefire monument]
- The Dan Quayle Monumant to the Vice-Presidency [Speaking of Quayle, whatever happened to…]
- Secret Service Anti-Insurgency Demonstration [oh wait….that wasn’t a re-enactment, that was DADT protestors getting too close to the White House.]
My FAVORITE was the tour of the Capitol…but more on that tomorrow.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Garage Sale
If any of you are talking to my mom, will you tell her I went back to work? Said another way, I think I am going to regret telling my mom about this little “sabbatical” that I start in May. I came to this conclusion when I talked to her last week and she told me my summer plans:
“Okay. I thought about it and I think I am going to have you and Anne Louise come down for a week and help me clean out the attic and the basement and have a garage sale.”
Whoooooaaaaaaaaaaa there, little lady….I will fly around the world to meet you in Ireland, but spend a Friday morning filling out a thousand 99 cent sale stickers?? Followed by the graceful schlep of my childhood Pizza Hut oven from the attic to the garage? [EZ Bake ovens weren’t for everyone] Seriously? Have you never met me? I moved my own stuff across the country to save cleaning out the basement. And why now? Stuff doesn’t even fall out of YOUR closets when you open them…what’s the rush?
At least ALL of us with the summer off areroped into invited to the festivities =) [smiley face rule, mom]. My school-teaching sister will be there despite a nagging manual-labor allergy of her own. My mother told her she could “supervise”. Ummmmm, supervise who?? Am I demoted before I even arrive? The Individual Contributor of the Garage Sale hierarchy? THAT sounds like maximum manual labor. And just wait til Rita reads this – I’m going to spend the summer being a garage sale bitch, aren’t I??? Waaaahhh
The Garage Sales pitch [get it] finished with mom’s enthusiastic proclamation that “your nephew can have all the proceeds”. Sorry little man, I am keeping every bit of the $1.75 per hour that I earn.
“Okay. I thought about it and I think I am going to have you and Anne Louise come down for a week and help me clean out the attic and the basement and have a garage sale.”
Whoooooaaaaaaaaaaa there, little lady….I will fly around the world to meet you in Ireland, but spend a Friday morning filling out a thousand 99 cent sale stickers?? Followed by the graceful schlep of my childhood Pizza Hut oven from the attic to the garage? [EZ Bake ovens weren’t for everyone] Seriously? Have you never met me? I moved my own stuff across the country to save cleaning out the basement. And why now? Stuff doesn’t even fall out of YOUR closets when you open them…what’s the rush?
At least ALL of us with the summer off are
The Garage Sales pitch [get it] finished with mom’s enthusiastic proclamation that “your nephew can have all the proceeds”. Sorry little man, I am keeping every bit of the $1.75 per hour that I earn.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Itineraries
This sabbatical (which doesn’t officially start until May 1st, for anyone talking to my current employer) comes with quite a learning curve. FIRST lesson – do NOT casually volunteer to meet your mother in a foreign country. Don’t get me wrong – I am looking forward to my upcoming trip to Ireland, I just didn’t expect it to immediately follow my trip to Hong Kong [I know, I know…cry me-and-my-fabulous-life a river. The trip to HK is for Rita's work (score!), so I could hardly decline...]
And by “immediately follow” I mean “Can I book a one-way ticket from Hong Kong to Belfast, please.” [THAT ought to get me on a few TSA watch lists.] That’s right – this particular trip involves Every. Single. Time. Zone in the world. I am pointing my unemployed ass in a generally westward direction and not stopping until I hit Hilldale Road again. At one sick moment, I was looking at possible Ireland to San Diego itineraries thinking “yeah – but it’s only an 11-hour flight, that’s no biggie”. The half-day mark has become my new definition of long-haul. 11 hours in a single seat. They better park the Miller Lite cart by seat 12D.
At one point, I found myself arguing for a good twenty minutes with the booking agent about my HK to London reservation # HKD3390 before she was able to explain that HKD3390 was the price – $3390 Hong Kong Dollars. [I’m hoping that translates to a buck fifty in US dollars]. That’s when Nicola thought she should step in. It’s a good thing too, because I had almost booked the trip on Air China [free Google service??] whose reward miles can be redeemed for lead-based paint. My platinum level concierge, of course, found me a complete itinerary on airlines I have actually heard of. San Diego to LA. LA to Hong Kong. Hong Kong to London. London to Derry. Derry to Dublin. Dublin to Chicago. Chicago to San Diego. It involves 5 different airlines, mind you – but none are operated by third world countries.
She also found me a $23 flight from London to Ireland. $23! [Should I be worried if the plane leaves from the greyhound terminal?] I have a funny feeling my suitcase is going to cost $175 to check.
That’s right, I am going 47,000 miles, 8 different times zones, 5 trips through customs and not one single destination that doesn’t speak English. =)
And by “immediately follow” I mean “Can I book a one-way ticket from Hong Kong to Belfast, please.” [THAT ought to get me on a few TSA watch lists.] That’s right – this particular trip involves Every. Single. Time. Zone in the world. I am pointing my unemployed ass in a generally westward direction and not stopping until I hit Hilldale Road again. At one sick moment, I was looking at possible Ireland to San Diego itineraries thinking “yeah – but it’s only an 11-hour flight, that’s no biggie”. The half-day mark has become my new definition of long-haul. 11 hours in a single seat. They better park the Miller Lite cart by seat 12D.
At one point, I found myself arguing for a good twenty minutes with the booking agent about my HK to London reservation # HKD3390 before she was able to explain that HKD3390 was the price – $3390 Hong Kong Dollars. [I’m hoping that translates to a buck fifty in US dollars]. That’s when Nicola thought she should step in. It’s a good thing too, because I had almost booked the trip on Air China [free Google service??] whose reward miles can be redeemed for lead-based paint. My platinum level concierge, of course, found me a complete itinerary on airlines I have actually heard of. San Diego to LA. LA to Hong Kong. Hong Kong to London. London to Derry. Derry to Dublin. Dublin to Chicago. Chicago to San Diego. It involves 5 different airlines, mind you – but none are operated by third world countries.
She also found me a $23 flight from London to Ireland. $23! [Should I be worried if the plane leaves from the greyhound terminal?] I have a funny feeling my suitcase is going to cost $175 to check.
That’s right, I am going 47,000 miles, 8 different times zones, 5 trips through customs and not one single destination that doesn’t speak English. =)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Skype
Seeing as I am going to be unemployed in three two-and-a-half weeks [yikes], I am starting to reach out to recruiters. One of the guys I am working with (from out east), asked if we could meet over Skype.
Great. The first test for potential employment seems to be whether you can install basic computer software [are you smarter than a fifth grader]. I, of course, had to call Nicola [I’m an accountant who comes with her own help desk].
In addition to simple connectivity, there are presentation things to think about with Skype. I thought “Ah – sketchy quality, my PC camera is 4 years old and has god-knows-what stuck to the lens – he’ll barely be able to see me. I will definitely take off the ballcap, but probably just fluff the hair.”
It’s a damn good thing I tested this skype thing beforehand. Not only is it NOT sketchy, but when I sit over the keyboard [like any good accountant does when sitting in front of a computer] – you can actually make out the pores on my face. Ack! I don’t need a resume, I need a facial. Not only did I NOT wear pajama bottoms as originally planned…but I went ahead and put on perfume, just for good measure. I hope this skype thing doesn’t catch on for meetings – I will have to upgrade my all-pajama office attire.
Incidentally, a skype view into my home office is a little unflattering. At least my PC camera was pointed AWAY from most of my desk – much like a camera pointed out the front door of a condemned house. Seriously…it was mainly pointed at my disproportionately large face [I really was too close] and the ceiling. Which is good, because 12 hours after Julieta finished cleaning our house – the ceiling was the only tidy part of my whole room.
[sigh] I better work on my skype skills or I am going to be limited to a super-casual, big-faced workplace.
Great. The first test for potential employment seems to be whether you can install basic computer software [are you smarter than a fifth grader]. I, of course, had to call Nicola [I’m an accountant who comes with her own help desk].
In addition to simple connectivity, there are presentation things to think about with Skype. I thought “Ah – sketchy quality, my PC camera is 4 years old and has god-knows-what stuck to the lens – he’ll barely be able to see me. I will definitely take off the ballcap, but probably just fluff the hair.”
It’s a damn good thing I tested this skype thing beforehand. Not only is it NOT sketchy, but when I sit over the keyboard [like any good accountant does when sitting in front of a computer] – you can actually make out the pores on my face. Ack! I don’t need a resume, I need a facial. Not only did I NOT wear pajama bottoms as originally planned…but I went ahead and put on perfume, just for good measure. I hope this skype thing doesn’t catch on for meetings – I will have to upgrade my all-pajama office attire.
Incidentally, a skype view into my home office is a little unflattering. At least my PC camera was pointed AWAY from most of my desk – much like a camera pointed out the front door of a condemned house. Seriously…it was mainly pointed at my disproportionately large face [I really was too close] and the ceiling. Which is good, because 12 hours after Julieta finished cleaning our house – the ceiling was the only tidy part of my whole room.
[sigh] I better work on my skype skills or I am going to be limited to a super-casual, big-faced workplace.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Washington DC
Apparently, three days before you arrive in Washington D.C. is NOT the time to start planning your D.C. itinerary. [What was I gonna do – try to get fired earlier so I could plan my vacation(s)??] See – in D.C., you can reserve internet tickets ahead of time for the most popular attractions. Kind of like FASTPASS at Disney [but the rides aren't as good]. However, every single field-trip-leading school teacher in America [I’m looking at you Anne Louise] must get on-line years in advance of their trip because…as of today…the NEXT ticket available for the Washington Monument is just a tad out-of-date [that would be August 17th and not April 17th. I am not even sure it was August 17th of this year.] I feel like I should get preferential treatment for these historical landmarks because I spent a year of my life reading the Harry Truman biography. I mean…I am ALL for celebrating Democracy, but can’t there be some sort of VIP line to do it?! [I bet I could pass as a docent at Robert E. Lee's house.]
So our itinerary is chock full of things like the Washington Mall, Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery. Big, open, ticketless attractions. [Shame about the forecast.]
And my soon-to-be unemployed self is being quite frugal in our planning [see ticketless attractions]. Don’t tell Rita, but we are staying on the Priceline floor of the first hotel before we move to a different [free points] hotel on Saturday.
So just to recap…I have just finished planning for our cheap-as-hell, none-of-the-good-attractions trip to D.C. Am I a vacation dreamboat or WHAT?
So our itinerary is chock full of things like the Washington Mall, Lincoln Memorial and Arlington National Cemetery. Big, open, ticketless attractions. [Shame about the forecast.]
And my soon-to-be unemployed self is being quite frugal in our planning [see ticketless attractions]. Don’t tell Rita, but we are staying on the Priceline floor of the first hotel before we move to a different [free points] hotel on Saturday.
So just to recap…I have just finished planning for our cheap-as-hell, none-of-the-good-attractions trip to D.C. Am I a vacation dreamboat or WHAT?
Monday, April 5, 2010
More Vegas
More from my weekend trip to Vegas [if you didn’t read the Liberace post – you may want to start there and come back to this post]. Rita couldn’t make it, but my high school friends Melissa & John came up with a killer itinerary (somebody is watching them some Food Network) [Really…when you don’t spend 16 hours standing at a craps table giving money away, you get to see all KINDS of things in Vegas.]
First, our post-Liberace hunger was satisfied by a world-famous Stromboli from the TV show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” [Our destination was proudly representing the Dive category, I’m guessing.] After paying for the taxi to and from the [very] off-Strip location, we figured we had just had a $75 Stromboli….but, ummm, fyi….worth it.
Our breakfast the next day featured Snickers flapjacks [You heard me right. It’s a “Man vs. Food” favorite. You may not know the show…but think about a food that is suitable for battle – and you get the picture.] This one was so good that my friend Melissa told her husband they should make it at home for the kids. To which he replied…”that’s right honey, for the kids.”
And I now know a real-live person who has eaten a deep fried Twinkie. And in a rare moment of restraint – it’s not me. The judgment seems to be that the 99 cents is a bargain. Of course, I lost $10 in a slot machine while we were waiting for the oil to heat…so it was really an $11 Twinkie [much more in line with its true value].
But it wasn’t ALL fine food. My off-Strip lodging was just as exciting [did I mention that Rita wasn’t with me?]. I seemingly booked the hotel room right next to the 21-year-old spring-breakers. At least they all went out for the night about the same time I went to bed. Unfortunately, my neighbor “Angela” had the unfortunate habit of passing out each time her boyfriend went down the hall for ice…requiring him to stand at the locked door at 4 a.m. shouting at her like Rocky until another neighbor yelled at him to “shut the fuck up, asshole”. [Obviously – all the Priceline customers got the same floor at my hotel.]
Next trip – I’m only playing craps at the places with deep-fried Twinkies.
First, our post-Liberace hunger was satisfied by a world-famous Stromboli from the TV show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” [Our destination was proudly representing the Dive category, I’m guessing.] After paying for the taxi to and from the [very] off-Strip location, we figured we had just had a $75 Stromboli….but, ummm, fyi….worth it.
Our breakfast the next day featured Snickers flapjacks [You heard me right. It’s a “Man vs. Food” favorite. You may not know the show…but think about a food that is suitable for battle – and you get the picture.] This one was so good that my friend Melissa told her husband they should make it at home for the kids. To which he replied…”that’s right honey, for the kids.”
And I now know a real-live person who has eaten a deep fried Twinkie. And in a rare moment of restraint – it’s not me. The judgment seems to be that the 99 cents is a bargain. Of course, I lost $10 in a slot machine while we were waiting for the oil to heat…so it was really an $11 Twinkie [much more in line with its true value].
But it wasn’t ALL fine food. My off-Strip lodging was just as exciting [did I mention that Rita wasn’t with me?]. I seemingly booked the hotel room right next to the 21-year-old spring-breakers. At least they all went out for the night about the same time I went to bed. Unfortunately, my neighbor “Angela” had the unfortunate habit of passing out each time her boyfriend went down the hall for ice…requiring him to stand at the locked door at 4 a.m. shouting at her like Rocky until another neighbor yelled at him to “shut the fuck up, asshole”. [Obviously – all the Priceline customers got the same floor at my hotel.]
Next trip – I’m only playing craps at the places with deep-fried Twinkies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
