Up In the Air

Greetings from O’Hare airport, where I have some advice for my fellow airfare travelers who seem to have ZERO prior flying experience (and also where I may have had a few too many Starbuck’s latte’s):

• You probably failed to notice this in your catatonic travel-trance, but there’s only ONE exit outta this bird for you and the 123 passengers behind you. Therefore, the proper way to exit a plane does not involve you drawing up sharp (!) as soon as you cross the threshold at the end of the gangplank. Yes – you need to find your connection…No, they do not generally post that information within the first 5 feet of the gate exit. Seriously, I know this feels like a strange-new-airport-world to you, but let’s go boldly in the direction of….traffic, shall we?
• Ummmm….the preceding advice goes for the ladies’ room exit as well
• Airline connection times do not adequately factor in a handicap for tall girls in pumps. I know I should be able to get from gate E37 to gate B24 in 39 minutes [and on casual Friday’s, I can]. However, when wearing anything higher than ballet slippers, I need at least an extra 20 minutes to accommodate the blister-nursing that must occur. Honestly, instead of asking me whether I need a vegetarian meal option, United should ask me to estimate my transition times and schedule connections accordingly.
• Just because they’re not marked does not mean airports don’t have traffic lanes - please respect them.  I don’t care how inviting Auntie Anne’s pretzel stand looks, do not make a left turn from the recycle bin across the way…especially when the tall girl in pumps is in the passing lane beside you.

 I think I will dial down my caffeine on the next trip.