This Sort of Thing Never Happens on Southwest

Rough finish to my United flight from San Diego to Philly today.  After we land, I go to get my big wooly winter coat out of the overhead compartment and I initially think…”wow, someone neatly folded my coat for me after I just shoved it in here” [with my apologies to Rita’s winter coat that I’ve borrowed for the season].  But then I realize…nooooooo, someone didn’t neatly FOLD my coat, they TOOK my coat, leaving theirs instead.  Nice, but since I am not a size medium and this is a man’s scarf…I don’t agree to the trade.

A stolen coat!  And it even had my brand new-Christmas-present scarf tucked into the sleeve.  [I’ve lost my Christmas present by January 3^rd, a new record.]  The guy in front of me could tell what was going on and helpfully offered (with a smile)…”at least they didn’t take your bag”.  Yeah, buddy, that’s right….it’s only 17 degrees here in Philly, but at least they only took the garment I need to prevent frostbite. 

What is the proper protocol in an airplane burglary?  Run to the flight attendant, of course.  I think she actually tried to talk me into taking the other coat and just calling it even…”But this one is a Calvin Klein?”.  This isn’t a swap meet, lady! [but ummm…how much money is in the pocket?]  So I stand there in the first row of business class, right next to all the elderly people waiting for their wheelchairs and basically practice my flight attendant skills for the next 20 minutes… “Welcome to Philadelphia” “Thanks for flying” “Happy new year to you too” on a focused coat vigil as Every.  Single.  Passenger.  Deplanes.   I mean seriously!  20 minutes?  How far can you go down the freezing gangplank before you realize you have the wrong coat and you [sheepishly, I would hope] return to the plane??? 

And as I looked at the older gentleman parked next to me, patiently waiting for his wheelchair….I realized that you get…not very far at all, as it turns out.  “Sir, that is a lovely woman’s scarf tucked into that coat….I think it belongs to me.” 

“No, ma’am I don’t think so.”  Did Ebenezer just call ME “ma’am”??  After stealing my coat???  Alright Old Man…we are going to do this thing, aren’t we?  Suddenly the flight attendant became the least enthusiastic judge & jury of all time.  “He took my coat!”  The old man wasn’t buying it.  That’s when I had to drop the hammer…”I think if you check that coat, it’s missing two buttons and there are half a dozen starbuckies receipts in the pocket.”  (With more apologies to Rita, but I’ve clearly made the coat my own.)

Let’s just say that I was warm and toasty leaving the airport in Philly.  Not sure about Ebenezer, though.  But goodness, with all the commotion there on the plane, I was practically in my rental car before I noticed I had the wrong suitcase.