The Blog is Back?

Some of you may have noticed that I am blogging again after months and months of hiatus [i.e., since 2008] and you may be wondering why.  So here are some of the reasons I had to start blogging again:

• We almost had a President Romney
• While I wasn’t blogging, my girlfriend opened a wine bar, I got braces, and my siblings moved my mother.  I am NOT going to miss that kind of material again!
• You read the post on my sister hitting my car.  It’s either blog….or cry.
• Without a blog, I am just an accountant.  But now I am an accountant with a blog – MUCH cooler. 
• My mother is bound to be in an airport again soon.
• I think Blondie is finally finished being angry about that post from last July.

Now about those braces...

Gentle Rental

They say most accidents occur within 5 miles of home.  I respectfully request "they" revisit this statistic to ensure there isn’t a greater correlation with distance from a rental car counter.  My first 30 minutes of driving from any rental car location looks a lot like a driver’s ed flashback.  Never a great driver on a good day….rental cars seem to present an unseemly challenge to my Good Driver Discount [an unfamiliar car + unfamiliar roads + unacceptable radio station = utter disregard for double yellow lines]. 

That first several miles of driving generally involves me trying to refold a rental car map in a seat uncomfortably close to the windshield while looking for wherever the crap they put the trip odometer button.  I realize the responsible thing would be a full-blown rental-car review in the Avis parking lot.  But I’ll be honest….I spend 20% of my waking hours engaged in a giant work-schlep.   I don’t intend to delay my arrival at the Hampton Inn [du jour] by 1 extra minute for “new-car orientation”.

Instead, let’s just agree the following items should be in the same place on all cars [after all, I’m usually driving a Ford Focus for chrissakes…..how many style points can you get for ingenious placement of gadgetry when it’s a Ford Focus??].  Therefore, let’s come up with a dewey decimel system of car organization for the following items:

• Side view mirror adjustor
• Rear window defroster
• Windshield wiper controls (and turning them on should always be “up”)

Notice anything in common with these important features…..yes…..they all affect VISIBILITY.  Those items that directly affect my view of traffic behind, beside and beneath me should NOT require a search party to locate. 

And while we’re at it….why must Every.  Single.  Car-Rental.  Radio be tuned to a rap station?  Do you know how hard it is to find a good country music station when you’re peering under the steering wheel for a side window adjuster?   [I do.]

I sure hope pilots don’t feel the same way when they climb into each new plane.

What's in YOUR wallet?

I recently became the proud owner of the Starbucks Gold Card – free with the purchase of way too many exorbitantly priced coffees.  And here’s the really nifty part of Gold Card status – the starbuckies gold card automatically “reloads” from your credit card whenever it falls below a set dollar amount.  [otherwise known as every 3 days for me.]  

Now that I’m using this card for all my SB purchases, the Mother Ship has complete visibility to about 30% of my discretionary spend.  They know what time I drink my coffee [hourly], what city I am in [Nasvhille?  Baltimore?  Philly? ....no wonder this bitch needs coffee] and which food phase I’m going through [how many meals in a row can I eat oatmeal at?]  If I ever go missing, I think Starbucks would be the first to notify authorities.  “She hasn’t had a latte in a day and a half, please send help right away.”

I have to admit, however, given the treasure trove of data I’m supplying SB on my caffeinated consumerism, the Gold Card perks are kind of skimpy.  After 15 purchases, I get a free drink.  A  free drink?!  I mean….that’s nice and all…. but I’d be getting the drink anyway.  I want something EXTRA for my super-special, gold-card self.  If this were airline status – I’d have my own line at Starbucks and I’d be offered a free cocktail when I sat down.  I would especially like to jump ahead of that woman who ordered the extra-hot grande nonfat 4 pump upside down carmel macchiato.  I guess the nonfat and carmel cancel each other out??  [I’ve been informed it’s no different than my order of Diet Coke with my fries.]

You used to get a free pump of syrup with every drink [again…..meh].  But SB discontinued that perk.  I guess the cost of a teaspoon size squirt of sugar [that must be subject to the biggest volume discount in the history of the world] got to be too pricey for Daddy Starbucks. 

I have to say, though...the linkage to the credit card is a little more visible than those cash transactions.  I think I liked it better when I couldn’t see how much I was spending at Starbuckies. 

Big Bad Wine Test

In order to work at our favorite local wine bar, the employees are strongly encouraged to pass a wine test.  And this isn’t one of those fun wine tests where you end up with a nifty little wine buzz at the end of it.  No….this is the Big Bad Wine Test [and it feels suspiciously like a geography test].  But at least the company mandate doesn’t extend to the accounting staff.  [I can tell you which wines are profitable, isn’t that enough?]

In the interest of helping my co-workers, however, I have compiled a few helpful hints for the Big Bad Wine Test:

Q:  Where does Chablis come from?

A:  Europe [and technically – you’re not wrong]

Q:  What flavors do you detect in Sauvignon Blanc?

A:  Cat piss.  [People actually say this one.  I think it’s akin to saying a beer tastes like cow farts, but people mean it as a compliment! ]

Q:  What flavors do you detect in Chardonnay from the Loire valley? 

A:  Chocolate covered banana. [I don’t think chocolate covered banana is correct, but as long as you’re going to fail this test, you may as well have some fun……and “cat piss” is already taken.]

And here are more helpful hints:

• When asked what flavors you detect in any given red wine – go cherry.  In a white wine – go green apple.  [And if you’re not sure whether Chablis is a red or a white – then you may score the same on this test as I did.] 
• If you get in a real pinch, think of your favorite Slurpee flavor and answer with that [Super Sour Cherry, Mountain Berry Blast, Grapermelon] as a descriptor [the proprietor expects a LOT of overlap between her assistant sommeliers and Slurpee lovers].  Just tell the boss it’s a Gen X thing and she wouldn’t understand.
• If you’ve ignored all of these suggestions and find yourself close to passing the test – then go for the Hail Mary of all flavor descriptions….fennel.  You get points for style, spelling and sophistication.  If there’s even a TRACE of fennel in that bitch, you are going to PASS.  

 I don't know why they all don't ask me for help.

Election Night

Ahhhhh, Election Night…it’s like prom night for us nerds!  [And my date is Rachel Maddow.]  That’s  right – a whole night of seeing which poll was right and trying to get retweeted by Maggie Haberman.  [Nobody else knows who Maggie Haberman is, do they?  Please see previous nerd disclaimer.]  An evening full of twitter, blogs and MSNBC.  That’s right...I said MSNBC…. After all, if Democrats are doing well, I want to revel in it.  If we’re losing, I want to delude myself as long as possible [which is where Chris Matthews comes in].

Nights like this may be why I moved to California [I mean in addition to Blondie, of course.]  Election results start coming in at 5 p.m. out here.  Which means I can watch history being made and still be in bed by 9 p.m.  I have the whole evening mapped out according to poll closing times.  Did you know you can vote until 10 pm in Iowa??!  [Of course you didn’t know that, because you have legitimate hobbies – like human interaction.]  Iowa’s plan may be great for democracy, but it is very inconvenient for those of us trying to declare the next President of the United States!

In order to pass the time, I will spend the evening rooting for Senate races until the networks call the presidential race in Ohio - which may very well be a week from Wednesday.  [Although I read that Fox News plans to call it at 10 pm…and wait for the supreme court to reverse it.]  Seriously, I’ll be spending the evening playing big ballot bingo with 33 senate races. 

The existential question for the evening:  If Richard Mourdock loses, will he think it's God's will?