Big Bad Wine Test

In order to work at our favorite local wine bar, the employees are strongly encouraged to pass a wine test.  And this isn’t one of those fun wine tests where you end up with a nifty little wine buzz at the end of it.  No….this is the Big Bad Wine Test [and it feels suspiciously like a geography test].  But at least the company mandate doesn’t extend to the accounting staff.  [I can tell you which wines are profitable, isn’t that enough?]

In the interest of helping my co-workers, however, I have compiled a few helpful hints for the Big Bad Wine Test:

Q:  Where does Chablis come from?

A:  Europe [and technically – you’re not wrong]

Q:  What flavors do you detect in Sauvignon Blanc?

A:  Cat piss.  [People actually say this one.  I think it’s akin to saying a beer tastes like cow farts, but people mean it as a compliment! ]

Q:  What flavors do you detect in Chardonnay from the Loire valley? 

A:  Chocolate covered banana. [I don’t think chocolate covered banana is correct, but as long as you’re going to fail this test, you may as well have some fun……and “cat piss” is already taken.]

And here are more helpful hints:

• When asked what flavors you detect in any given red wine – go cherry.  In a white wine – go green apple.  [And if you’re not sure whether Chablis is a red or a white – then you may score the same on this test as I did.] 
• If you get in a real pinch, think of your favorite Slurpee flavor and answer with that [Super Sour Cherry, Mountain Berry Blast, Grapermelon] as a descriptor [the proprietor expects a LOT of overlap between her assistant sommeliers and Slurpee lovers].  Just tell the boss it’s a Gen X thing and she wouldn’t understand.
• If you’ve ignored all of these suggestions and find yourself close to passing the test – then go for the Hail Mary of all flavor descriptions….fennel.  You get points for style, spelling and sophistication.  If there’s even a TRACE of fennel in that bitch, you are going to PASS.  

 I don't know why they all don't ask me for help.