UPS

I hate UPS. Getting a package from them is like negotiating a hostage release. I have SERIOUSLY never seen a delivery company so disinclined to actually make.a.delivery. They have a delivery record that is unblemished by success. According to UPS, you.veel.be.there.vaiting at the appointed hour (which happens to be between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m.) or you will get a little.yellow.postie.note telling you how bitterly close you came to actually getting your urgently-needed, can’t-work-without, extra-shipping-costs, new laptop. Those yellow posties are my nemeses!!! Damn you Yellow Posties!

Don’t worry UPS – I GET that you are a.little.brown.army of uniformity…but SOME of us have LIVES (read: happy hours) between 5 and 6 p.m. when you keep trying to deliver that package from Chateau Montelana.

And what a motley crew of undeliverable packages there are…the aforementioned weekly stipend of non-swill wine, whatever IT gadget Nicola has ordered to cure my latest technical catastrophe, an alarming number of replacements for lost power cords and not NEARLY enough packages from…say…work (but oddly…not a SINGLE graduation/birthday/mother’s day present in the bunch).

Honestly, it has proven easier to see Barack Obama than to catch a glimpse of the UPS man. The probability of the UPS man arriving is DIRECTLY correlated to Molly’s need for a walk. Meet the wine delivery or walk the dog? Talk about your modern-day Sophie’s choice…