You know what you can’t find during a pandemic? Any of the right stuff to celebrate someone’s
curve-flattening birthday.
Our household had it’s first pandemic birthday yesterday
when Rita celebrated her [redacted] birthday.
And is it just me or do food items represent 80% of all birthday gifts during
the pandemic? Food items and pajamas. There! We have covered all the Covid bases.
I thought the easy part of the birthday celebration was
going to be getting a lemon meringue pie for Rita. After all, the restaurants and bakeries are looking
for takeout business and for once, I was somewhat early (and by early I mean it
wasn’t the day before her birthday).
But it appears from initial inquiries that what bakeries really
want is not have to stock a bunch of special ingredients in the hopes
that some birthday-desperate-spouse makes their once yearly special order. This realization created some seriously
panicked shopping on my part as lemon meringue pie represented about 40% of my
birthday celebration for Rita. I mean…I can
only wrap so many bottles of wine from the basement ….I mean wine cellar…
as birthday presents without Rita catching on [that number is actually zero as
she knows every bottle of wine in the basement by heart].
In my ever-balanced reaction to the first few strikeouts, I
proceeded to google “Best lemon meringue pies”, “Acceptable Lemon meringue pies”
and even “I once made a lemon meringue pie” until I had the websites for 50 places
in and around town known for yellowy custardy things. [Although note to my April 2021 self…Wake
& Bake is NOT a bakery.] Since all
of them were closed for the day, I went ahead and emailed most of them with a
desperate request for help [but skipped Sugar Booger since I’m pretty sure ain’t
nothing in that pie box that is winning me any birthday points.]
Proving that people are spending this pandemic making lemonade
and not lemon meringue, most inquiries went unanswered. Therefore, I was incredibly excited when Dozen
bakery, one of the best in town, replied to tell me they would love to help me
out. But first a few details: They only offered delivery and not
pickup. Okay. Works for my quarantined self. Second, could they have my credit card number
and expiration information. Hmmm….shouldn’t
there be a website? Or an invoice? Weighing
the risks of credit card fraud vs. a pieless birthday, I quickly tapped out all
the information and threw in my mother’s maiden name to ensure no hiccups on my
way to becoming a birthday hero.
Imagine my surprise when a few hours later I got ANOTHER
email from Dozen bakery telling me they would love to help me out with a lemon
lavender pie.
In true McC fashion, I had gotten a reply from one of the rando
bakeries that I had emailed and I had just assumed it was the reputable
one. When I gave them my cc number. And address.
And wife’s name.
Of course, I did the only thing I could at that stage….I
ordered a “backup pie” from Dozen for delivery.
Quick…while my credit card still worked. I realize it was NOT
lemon meringue, but close enough, right?
After all, bespoke food orders and Covid don’t really go together and I thought
I might need a backup pie in case I had just given my credit card to a Nigerian
prince.
And THEN we found out that our weekly fixed menu service
from a local restaurant was ALSO sending a strawberry rhubarb pie in this week’s order.
Which meant that the actual Saturday birthday promised to be
a Pie Parade to our front door. But…there
are worse things. I just hope the 2nd
pie delivery man doesn’t run into the 3rd pie delivery man on the sidewalk. How awkward.
Ironically, Rita doesn’t even like sweets that much.
P.s. Now that we are on the other side of the birthday
celebration, I am happy to report that all pies were a hit. Including the mystery meringue:
Rita: “This is amazing. Where did you get it?”
Me: “I have no earthly idea.”
I could order it again, but I think I might need a burner phone.
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