Don't Call Us....

Adopting a puppy in the age of Covid is survival of the fittest.  Apparently, the entire country got sent to its room and wants to bring their new puppy with them.  Its easier to find Clorox wipes than it is to find an adoptable dog.  Every day that I check the websites feels like Black Friday for canines.  If you’re not there throwing elbows the moment a pooch photo goes up, forget about it.  “Hi – I’m inquiring about Leo from “The Bark of the Moral Universe” website!  What?  I’m applicant #321?  Okay, well….if the first 320 don’t work out…”    

Given the number of people who are adopting dogs, dog rescuers are quite the kingmakers right now. Which means they can comb through adoption applications for their choice of owners.  As one of those applicants, I have to wonder:  is there a credit scoring system for dog ownership that I’m not aware of??  Because after filling out a dozen applications, I have yet to get so much as a doggy interview.  I might have to fence in Rita’s tomato patch just to be able to check that box yes.  After so many strikeouts, I have started to write on the application that while our yard is not yet fenced in….we own a whole fucking farm, for christ’s sake.  That’s right...not to pull rank, but we are farm-owning lesbians.  <= I mean, that has to be the puppy application equivalent of a mic drop, right?  Seriously…unless your last name is Obama and the dog gets to live in the White House, I don’t see how anyone’s application should be ahead of ours.

But there must be more than a few applicants ahead of us.  One place even declined our application altogether and told us we weren’t eligible for adoption!  How the hell does that happen?  All I know is they asked for the name and number of my previous dog’s vet, even though my perfect Molly’s been gone now for 5 years.  About an hour after I gave them the info, I got an email saying our application had been declined.  What the hell did our old vet say about us????  I know there was the episode with the skunk.  And that time Molly jumped off the upstairs deck.  And I don’t think she meant to eat the rat poison.  Hmmm….when I say all that out loud, it makes me realize how some (innocent!) parents end up in jail for child abuse.  Maybe I’ll be leave Molly off the next application. 

So rather than having my pick of puppies to adopt, here I am, thinking of hiring that guy from Varsity Blues to help me with my puppy application.