Monday, March 13, 2017

3 Vacation Bilble Bootcamp Day 1



My main assignment in Ecuador was to help in Arts and Crafts, (so obviously my resume got to the right people). Since 500 people show up on the first day, there is a wait to see the doctors. The St A's team brilliantly organizes arts and crafts for the kids while they wait. 

And we ain't talking crayons and and a pair of scissors here.  No sirree.....2 days, 300 kids, and extravagant crafts that your average useless accountant can't do.  Imagine the entire contents of Hobby Lobby shipped to Ecuador and deployed with military precision:  Vacation Bible Bootcamp

The first session was making beaded bracelets. Judging by their excitement, you would have thought these kids were getting a Tiffany bracelet at the end of this session.  I was worried threading the wire through those tiny beads might be too tough for the little kids, but apparently it's a lot easier when you don't have to look through bifocals to do it. 

My assignment was to greet each kid and then start their bracelet for them. When they finished, I would then put on the crimper bead to secure the fastener. I started out asking their names, but I’m pretty sure the first little girl's name was Ayiyaiaiiia and so was the second girl's, so I quickly dispensed with the pleasantries. (It's not like my name was any easier for them....so whatever)

It took me a little while to get the hang of the crimping bead used to secure the fastener, especially when you are trying to push 200 kids through this process and Ayiyaiaiiia Is. Ready. For. Her. Bracelet. Dammit.   In fact, if you got your bracelet in the 8 o'clock hour, you were pretty much screwed. The plaza outside the school was probably strewn with the beads (and dreams) of the children from the first hour who were assigned to "Señora Alta".  (Actually, I scoped out the other gringos and I wasn't the only one having trouble applying all that higher education to the task at hand.)

I did note that there appears to be no universal symbol for "put out your wrist" (so I could try on the bracelet).  I spent many a precious minute trying to chase some kid's hand around the back of his body. (The personal connections I was making with these kids are truly the stuff of missionary lore). I'm not sure what he was afraid of....maybe that the tapping of the wrist is also the universal sign for handcuffs?

There were so many kids that every once in a while a niño would get on a roll before I could stop him and he would get halfway to a belt instead of a bracelet. Given the traffic we were trying to push through A&C, I had little choice but to wrap the beaded masterpiece around his wrist a few times, tell him he would grow into it, and send him on his way with a "que bueno!! adios!" 

As I sat there huddled next to a dozen 6 yr olds all tugging on my recently acquired REI camp shirt, I couldn’t help thinking there's something precious about close proximity to a child emerging from acute medical care.  It makes this assignment especially inspiring (and contagious, methinks).  And I know we're not supposed to drink the water, but what's the position on putting the bracelet liniment that's been sitting on the table with the six year olds in your mouth to get a fine point to thread through a bead?  But I will say this....I could debit and credit my way to eternity and ain't nobody gonna be as excited with my work product as that six year old boy was to get his properly finished bracelet. 

2 Ecuadorian Menu



Ecuador.  Or as I originally called it...."fat camp".

However, I might have been a little naive thinking I might lose a few lbs. down here.  How many calories are in a serving of deep fried queso empanada that is roughly the size of your plate (if you had a plate, that is)? And by "serving" I mean three of those suckers. And by queso, I mean cheese....ish.  (Don't worry Rita, I asked for mine without gluten or GMO)

The mujeras de comidor then insisted on bringing around a morning snack featuring an empanada redux along with the fruit salad that accompanies any good church event. Would have been rude to decline. 

I don't want you to think I JUST ate fried breaded cheese all week, as nice as that would have been.  On day three, they found ways to fry new things - yucca, corn, plantain.  And I found new ways to get 1,000 calories at every meal. Apparently queso is the entire bottom floor of the Ecuadorian food pyramid cuz taint nothing that didn't benefit from being mixed with a little queso (before frying).  I think I could have gotten a dollop of queso in my Nescafé had I hung out at the counter for a few minutes longer (and boy did I get the stink eye that one time I got a cup of coffee without an empanada to accompany it.  Did NOT make THAT mistake again!)

Lunch generally meant hot soup (or at least it was piping hot by the time I sat down under the 100 degree sun to eat it)....along with a serving of rice. And that serving WAS the size of the plates that finally made their first appearance of the day. 

Dinner was rice and chicken. Or sometimes chicken and rice. And not that petite serving of rice from lunch - no, sirree, we are talking a legit serving....for a family of four....or one gringo.  (Como se dice...."control de la portion"). And these ladies definitely come from the "use every part of the chicken" school of cooking. I think they may have retired the chicken foot soup after a bad comment card in a prior year.  But otherwise - dinner was chicken bits roulette. Not only does a chicken neck not have very much meat on it, but ITS A CHICKEN NECK. At home, Rita has to debone my chicken breast for me. In Ecuador, I eat chicken necks. And I must confess, that shit was tasty. 

Notice anything missing from that amazing farm-to-plastic-table menu I just outlined?  There is not enough Nescafé in this country to offset the fiber deficiency of this bind-a-thon.  Ecuadorian women aren't overweight, they're bloated. 

Put all that together and the term "fat camp" ended up being more accurate than I could have guessed.

1 Ecuador packing



If you are ever planning to take a mission trip, I highly recommend you have Rita P. pack for you. First, Rita has an ardent...maybe even worrisome...affection for REI that must constantly be fed.....I mean....lends itself nicely to mission preparations.  Second, all evidence to the contrary, Rita harbors an unspoken hope she can somehow, eventually turn me into the sporty, handy, subaru-lovin camper that my lesbian DNA seemingly promises. 

Throw in the fact that Rita wishes she was on this trip (and is therefore taking it vicariously through me) and my suitcase is a well-stocked pantry of preparedness.

Honestly, the fine folks of San Eduardo would have benefited more if Rita had sent the shopping fund instead of this relatively useless accountant. But alas, here we are with the well outfitted, useless accountant. 

And I don't want to say Rita took the packing list more seriously than the other folks on the trip, but they have started calling me Inspector Gadget. The good news for me: Mission trips seem to operate like a prison economy - And the deet-to-cerveza exchange rate is strong.

I did feel a little self-conscious when I pulled out the perfect white Bordeaux to pair with the chicken and rice.  But it's not like I had the right glassware or anything, so it's hard to call me spoiled.