We lost my mom this summer.
No, no, no. Not lost like THAT,
don’t be silly. Lost like….misplaced. But if you are ever going to misplace your sometimes
obstinate mother, I highly recommend you do it in the care of Delta
Airlines. They were zero help in finding her – but were as nice as they could be
with hysterical relatives.
Let me start at the beginning. My sister – St. Nic – accompanies my mom to
Ireland each summer. 100% of their
itinerary is geared around the shortest possible flights between airport
smoking lounges. This year, St. Nic got
brave and planned to connect with my mom in the Atlanta Hartsfeld airport [a/k/a
the largest airport in the world – what
could go wrong?]. But not to worry – Nic
was scheduled to arrive before mom’s flight and leave after her departure – ensuring my mother a personal valet
throughout her time at Atlanta Hartsfeld.
Easy peasy.
Who could EVER have predicted flight delays in
Atlanta???
On the return trip – my sister’s connection out of Atlanta
was RIGHT ON TIME! Mom’s flight? Delayed three hours. Before it was canceled. And the next one delayed another 2
hours. [And it was like JULY – delayed
on account of humidity??]
So here was my mom wandering around the Atlanta airport for
7 hours waiting to see if she was going to get on the last flight outta
there. [Spoiler alert: she didn’t.]
Which would have been bad enough if her cell phone hadn’t gone dead
around hour 2 of her Moses-in-the-desert reenactment.
Which is when I called Delta Airlines. Truth be told, the initial discussion with Delta didn’t go that well. “Well, you can page her if you want, but she
hasn’t worn her hearing aids since 2009 so I doubt she answers the page. I need you to call a real live gate agent who can answer the phone they’re always
pretending to be on when I need customer service. My mom will be the little bitty thing
cursing at a dead cell phone while going through nicotine withdrawal [or maybe
the one smoking].”
Apparently, the overhead page is the extent of Delta’s lost-relative
protocol – at least until the hysterical daughter drops
some pithy threat on them….“Listen Little Ms. Customer Service, you do NOT want
to be the last person who “helps me” if something happens to my mother.” [I don’t even know what this means – but I
felt better.] I got a supervisor after
THAT, I can assure you. In fact, I think
I got the Delta hostage negotiator [who could NOT have been nicer during her 5 hours on the phone with me. We’re Facebook friends now.]
I don’t know what the airport equivalent of an APB is, but I
think my mother had three police departments looking for her. Which required a detailed description. “Hey Nic – what is mom wearing?” Answer:
blue terrycloth sweatsuit, white t-shirt, red handbag, black Clarks and blue socks. Wow. I couldn’t
even tell them how tall she is.
[ONE of us obviously saw this coming.]
After the last flight of the evening was canceled my
personal Delta rep came back on the line.
“Okay, your mother has picked up her hotel voucher – everything is going
to be okay. She’s on her way to a good night’s sleep.” Oh no, little missy,
I’ve seen this move in a John LeCarre novel.
You can look for her at the EconoLodge if you want – but I can guarantee
she is still mobile in Atlanta
Hartsfeld airport. This is a woman who doesn’t pump
her own gas! I doubt she is going to execute
the travel trifecta of security lines, shuttle buses (!) and hotel check-ins.
And then….finally….around midnight….with her last bit of
cell phone juice, my mother called my brother [she conveniently found that last
smidge of cell phone juice after six hours of my sister and I trying to call
her.] With the 60 seconds of cell phone
life….she simply informed my brother “I found a smoking lounge and am spending
the night right here.”
But of course.
Turns out she was fine the whole time [Nic & I were more
hysterical than she was]. She was a little sore from sleeping upright in the
smoking lounge all night [while I would have thought the smoke cloud would
have been a virtual body pillow] but otherwise just fine.
However…Nic IS planning to DRIVE to Atlanta
for next year’s trip to Ireland.
