Puppy Application

As noted on the previous post, we are trying to adopt a new puppy – which is not as easy as you would think during Covid.  I have filled out no less than a dozen applications and have not so much as gotten a puppy interview.  I have GOT to work on my cover letter.  

First, I did not realize there were 413 different animal adoption organizations in Nashville and maybe next pandemic they could all get together and do an application clearinghouse??  It’s getting hard for me to remember which embellishments I put on which applications.  

Filling out all these incredibly extensive puppy applications makes me realize that there must be a whole world of people out there who don’t know what the word “adoption” means.  Forget “no-kill” shelters – these organizations want you to know they are “no give-back” shelters.  And apparently,

you have to tell people that they can’t simply return a puppy at the first sign of trouble.  Or expense. 

Which is fine by us.  I mean…our cat Winston has prevented us from having a good night’s sleep since 2015 and we’ve never thought of returning him.  [But now that I know that is a thing….]

The questions on all these applications make you wonder what the hell the rest of the world is doing with their pets:

Q:  What will you do with the dog if you move? 

Who are these people that think their pet stays with the house?  Like it’s a bathroom mirror or something??  

Q:  Do you know that pet care can cost upwards of $500 per year?

Gonna need you to check your math.  By the time you hire the doggie masseuse and canine acupuncturist you are in for WAY more than $500 a year

Q:  How many hours a day will your dog be left alone. 

I hate to sound clingy….but after listening to me on work-from-home conference calls all day, this dog may be desperate for some alone time 

Q:  Is everyone in your household aware you are adopting?

Absolutely – but ummm, can you not email the co-applicant just yet.  It’s a ummm….a birthday present. 

Q:  If your pet becomes ill, how much will you spend on emergency care?

An embarrassing amount.  Please don’t distribute my email address to vet clinics.  We are a golden ticket.

Q:  What will happen to your dog if you die?

Ummmm – maybe let up on the dog comes first thing just a little?  After all – I’m dead in this scenario, maybe give me a little space??

Based on the lack of puppy callbacks, it appears that those are not the right answers.  I will keep at it. 

Don't Call Us....

Adopting a puppy in the age of Covid is survival of the fittest.  Apparently, the entire country got sent to its room and wants to bring their new puppy with them.  Its easier to find Clorox wipes than it is to find an adoptable dog.  Every day that I check the websites feels like Black Friday for canines.  If you’re not there throwing elbows the moment a pooch photo goes up, forget about it.  “Hi – I’m inquiring about Leo from “The Bark of the Moral Universe” website!  What?  I’m applicant #321?  Okay, well….if the first 320 don’t work out…”    

Given the number of people who are adopting dogs, dog rescuers are quite the kingmakers right now. Which means they can comb through adoption applications for their choice of owners.  As one of those applicants, I have to wonder:  is there a credit scoring system for dog ownership that I’m not aware of??  Because after filling out a dozen applications, I have yet to get so much as a doggy interview.  I might have to fence in Rita’s tomato patch just to be able to check that box yes.  After so many strikeouts, I have started to write on the application that while our yard is not yet fenced in….we own a whole fucking farm, for christ’s sake.  That’s right...not to pull rank, but we are farm-owning lesbians.  <= I mean, that has to be the puppy application equivalent of a mic drop, right?  Seriously…unless your last name is Obama and the dog gets to live in the White House, I don’t see how anyone’s application should be ahead of ours.

But there must be more than a few applicants ahead of us.  One place even declined our application altogether and told us we weren’t eligible for adoption!  How the hell does that happen?  All I know is they asked for the name and number of my previous dog’s vet, even though my perfect Molly’s been gone now for 5 years.  About an hour after I gave them the info, I got an email saying our application had been declined.  What the hell did our old vet say about us????  I know there was the episode with the skunk.  And that time Molly jumped off the upstairs deck.  And I don’t think she meant to eat the rat poison.  Hmmm….when I say all that out loud, it makes me realize how some (innocent!) parents end up in jail for child abuse.  Maybe I’ll be leave Molly off the next application. 

So rather than having my pick of puppies to adopt, here I am, thinking of hiring that guy from Varsity Blues to help me with my puppy application.